i love you.

salam.

" i love you",

"i miss you"

satu masa dulu tak berapa nak lalu sangat, setiap kali sebelum letak call dengan mama, dua sentences ni kira macam wajib aku sebut. aku start habit ni time  aku form 2.

aku ingat lagu time tu, aku rasa macam tak rapat sangat dengan mama compared to macam mana aku dengan abah. so aku fikir mungkin bila aku buat macam ni, things can change. aku dapat idea ni pun lepas aku terdengar ada seorang sister ni cakap macam tu masa tengah tunggu dia habis call dengan mak dia dekat public phone asrama.

so aku terfikir, apa salahnya kan kalau aku nak cakap macam tu dekat mama kan? alhamdulillah, aku rasa benda ni works like seriously worked. since lepas tu, aku rasa aku makin rapat dengan mama, aku start open cerita pasal sekolah, kawan-kawan aku, even aku crush  minat dekat siapa pun aku cerita dekat mama. tak ada yang tertinggal rasanya, semua aku cerita. haha

everytime aku call mama, aku mesti sebut dua sentence ni. dan setiap kali aku cakap tu, aku bukan cakap saja-saja, aku memang rasa macam tu. " i love you, mama", "i miss you, mama".

tapi biasalah, mak mak ni kadang kadang bila anak dia macam nak manja- manja sikit dia bukan nak layan sangat kan.. so everytime aku cakap i love you i miss you, mama selalu jawab "hmmm" je. haha

walau mama tak reply i love you too atau i miss you too, aku tahu je, mama sayang aku. lebih lebih lagi aku kan anak perempuan mama sorang, geng mama..hiks.

kadang-kadang, bila aku call mama time dekat public, ada dua tiga kali jugak aku pernah kena pandang lain macam bila aku cakap i love you. haha, maybe orang ingat aku cakap dekat boyfriend kot, pandang aku macam tu.  tapi aku tak kisah pun. apedehal lah kan, diorang bukan tahu yang aku tengah cakap dengan mak sendiri.

lama-lama aku rasa aku rasa untuk sebut i love you atau i miss you dekat mama setiap kali call ni penting sangat, aku tak tahu sampai bila aku boleh say those words dekat mama. selagi ada peluang, aku buat je lah. tak ada rugi apa apa pun.

ada one time. seingat aku, finally mama reply "i love you too" dekat aku. no other feeling i can feel except happy and blessed at that time. walaupun kita tahu kan, mana ada mak tak sayang anak, tapi bila dengar those words, dia macam 'pergh, finally! i knew it already~' rasa dia...haha

and now, mama dah tak ada. but alhamdulillah, aku masih ada tok. oh yes, dengan tok pun aku biasa cakap "i love you" dulu sebelum letak call. and dengan tok je lah tinggal aku nak cakap macam tu pun sekarang,

everytime dapat cakap "i love you" dekat tok, aku bersyukur sangat. at least aku still ada someone untuk cakap macam tu. dan setiap kali aku cakap macam tu dekat tok, tok mesti gelak. aku tak tahu lah tok rasa happy ke macam mana, tapi aku bahagia dengar ketawa tok bila aku cakap macam tu.

:)

walaupun mama dah tak ada, aku still cakap "i love you, mama", "i miss you, mama" everytime aku pergi ziarah kubur mama. i know she can hear it

:)

and each time aku cakap macam tu, i still can feel her love, just like how i used to feel before.

:)

thank you mama, curahkan kasih sayang mama dekat raihan and adik-adik :))

"i love you, mama"
"i miss you, mama"

alfatihah

:)

no tittle

salam.

it's already more than two months since mama went 'there'. too many changes happened to my family. abah is now a single parent, widad and hanan no more staying with us in perak, they were both now in putrajaya staying with pakngah, only abah, kausar and me still staying in perak now. this house is so much quite than ever. but later, when the semester is back again, there will be only abah and kausar in this house. that thought already gives me so much worry.

indeed, it was so hard to accept those changes, espeacially the fact that widad and hanan staying far from us. but no matter what, all of us have to make the best decision for now and of course for the future too. we have to decide and act rationally. all of us have to be stronger.

every single thing, including the air that we breath in, all belong to HIM. nothing is belong to us in this world. we just borrow it from HIM. no, in fact, we were given to borrow all these (the thing that we have now) from HIM by HIS mercy.

the same goes to mama. she was also once borrowed to us by HIM. now, she went back to HIM the one who own her.

this is how i managed to comfort myself when i was alone in the schipol airport,amsterdam, receiving the news of mama while waiting for the flight back to malaysia. until now, i still use this to comfort myself everytime i get down.

i don't want all these things happened makes me a weaker person. so i try so hard to be strong. of course, there are so many times i fall apart, so many tears i have shed. to realize that this house has no more queen, it gives a big pain. but i know, she is there. somewhere, in a better place in the other world, di alam yang lain. that makes our love never change. sampai bila bila.

as for now, the best thing to do is try the best to be a good daughter. even she is not here anymore, there are many ways for me to be one.

abah once said, life is going on, appreciate things that we have now. be grateful.

indeed, i am grateful enough to have such a strong abah and brothers, supportive and understanding family and friends, all nice people around me. till sometimes i feels like i don't deserve this all. but of course, i am grateful. HE is the one who gives me these people around me.

i don't know why i'm writing this here. not asking for any sympathy, really.

i know that pray is the best way to say all the things in your heart. and having a talk about this with someone you trust also might be useful, but i prefer writing this here, just because i am kind of person who don't talk about things like this to others, i usually keep things alone, not sharing much. that's why.

till the next entry, au revoir.